Confessions
by curly-sue-not-sue
Summary: "Dear Rachel, I'm sorry for not saying all of this sooner." Joe tells the truth. OGSY tie-in, one shot


**Setting- I would imagine Joe writing this letter while he's in hiding during the fourth book. Thanks for reading!**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

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><p><em>Dear Rachel,<em>

_I'm sorry for not saying all of this sooner._

_I know that's a shitty way to start a letter, but it's the truth. These things are all things I should have said long ago, before I started working at the school, and maybe even before that. But I was too scared._

_This also a shitty thing to say; I'm supposed to be fearless, right? The unstoppable Joe Solomon is a phrase I've heard more than once. I'm not saying I don't like it, but they're wrong. Because I'm not unstoppable._

_In fact, the only thing that has ever really stopped me has been you._

_Remember the first time we met? It was at that CIA Pre-Agent Summer Training program. We were sparring, remember? All of our friends chose each other, and we were on the sidelines because everyone was too scared of getting hurt to fight us. I chuckle just thinking about it. There you were, this short teenager with crazy, dark hair all over the place and an evil eye to melt steel, and I don't think I've ever been more scared of a single person in my life. Then you kicked my ass, which was expected._

_I just didn't expect you to want to be my friend, I guess._

_You knew the entire time, didn't you? That I was already part of the Circle? You knew that I was bad, and you still became my friend._

_Why did you, Rachel? Did you feel sorry for me? Did you feel the same things I felt for you when I first saw you, like I had just been sucker punched in the gut by Heaven's most bad ass angel._

_Doubtful. But I can hope. It's all I've been living on for the past eighteen years._

_You always seemed to know everything about me, even when we were just becoming friends. You knew about my past, about my feelings for you. Now that I think about it, I'm more sure of this than anything else I've been sure of in forever- but again, I have to ask, why did you continue to be my friend?_

_Oh man, if you didn't stay my friend... How much more simple my life could be right now._

_But that doesn't matter anymore, I guess. Because, for some reason, I introduced you to Matthew. Or Matt, I should say, since he would kill both of us if we called him 'Matthew'._

_I should have seen it from the beginning- the, the... whatever, that ran between the two of you. It was so palpable, it was sickening. More for me than anyone else, I have to say._

_I should have known that you two would click. He had been my best friend for, what, three years by then? I should have known that no girl could withstand his charms- even the Morgan girls. Especially you._

_Now that I think about how you and Abby fought over him at first, I just have to laugh loud and long, even though I'm now in a barely safe house that could be compromised at any moment. You two are so alike, so vicious. She fought long and hard, poor kid. You won, though- you always win._

_Then you got married. I died a little inside, even though it's a cliche and I would never say it out loud._

_(While I'm at it, I'm gonna say that I will never say any of this out loud. Mostly because it's too damn embarrassing, but also because I'll probably be dead in a few days.)_

_And then I became an official agent, going on BlackOut missions with moonlighting for the Circle, while you and Matt stayed, had a kid, and went on mission only when absolutely necessary._

_And the rest, well, you know it. I don't even know why I'm recounting it all to you. I just want to get it out, I guess. I'll probably give this letter to Zach when I'm done, and I'll ask him to burn it. That, or give it to you, in case I die or get kidnapped or something equally as likely._

_Zach. He's a good kid. Take care of him, will you? If I get compromised, just do that one thing for me. He's had it tough, and he just needs someone to care about him, I think. Also, he's crazy in love with your daughter, so if he got killed, it would probably put a damper on her day, because I'm pretty sure she feels the same way._

_In a way, he's lucky, even though it sounds ridiculous. But at least he can say that he didn't choose the Circle; at least he can say he was just born into it. But me? Well, as you know for sure by now, I chose it. It was the stupidest thing I ever did._

_Maybe, I'd like to think, I would have you if I didn't do that._

_More wishful thinking. Sorry._

_I won't recount the whole gory story about how I became an agent for the Circle of Cavan. It's too long, and I know that I'm running out of time to do anything more like this. But I will say this in my defense- a group of people who depend on one another for their survival, even if that very survival is the thing that could rip the whole world apart, sounds really good to a sixteen year old kid whose entire family is dead and gone. They made it sound so glamorous, like it was a string of adventures that I could tell my grand kids about some day._

_But it wasn't, of course. For obvious reasons._

_Rachel, if I could reverse anything in my mess of a life, that would be the first. I would run the other way, as fast as I could. I would become a full agent for the CIA, I would never tell Matt about any of it..._

_And there it is. The thing in my life that I'm most ashamed of. My reason for this whole letter._

_I have to say it- it's my fault that Matt's gone. I didn't give any intel to the Circle, or ever do anything to directly betray him. The only thing I did was tell him about my cursed membership, my secret mission to take them down. But you know Matt- he couldn't resist any of it. He had to be a part of it, he told me. He had to do something._

_I hated him a little, in that moment. Because here he was, this used-to-be-normal guy who had everything in the world- a wife who loved him, as stable job, a family, most of all. And he was throwing it away, and for what? A pointless pursuit of an ancient terrorist group that was as unstoppable as some people used to think I was?_

_I know this is becoming a really crappy apology, but I just had to say it. I'm a little bit angry at him for that, but also for deserting you and Cammie. It wasn't his fault, definitely, but I'm still angry at him. For you and Cammie, but not for me._

_But enough bullshit._

_I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm sorry for not being the guy you could fully trust, for being the kind of friend who was jealous and petty after you'd found the love of your life. I'm sorry for introducing him to more danger than he had to be in. But most of all, I'm sorry for putting Cammie into danger._

_I still don't know why they want her. But I promise you that I will try and find out. And if I don't, well... I'll try and destroy them before they destroy her._

_I love you. I might as well say it, while I'm being truthful with you. You already know it, but I like saying it._ _It takes some weight off my chest, even if it is just a little bit._

_Like I said, I'm giving this letter to Zach. If you're reading this, it means that I'm either dead or the Circle has taken me away to God-knows-where. But don't worry about me- I'm Joe Solomon, right? I'm unstoppable._

_Get away from this world, Rachel. Save yourself. Save your daughter. Most of all, be careful._

_-Joe_

_ooo_

Rachel Morgan couldn't remember the last time she cried in front of somebody. But there she was, in her dark office, in her pajamas, reading a letter written by a dead man in front of the boy who could either wreck her daughter, or save her.

"So," she said after an eternity of silence, "They really have him."

"Yes."

That was all he said. So blunt, like it was the simplest thing in the world. But it wasn't, she knew.

After this letter, nothing would ever be simple again.

She looked at him after another eternity of staring at the letter. He, this boy, was tired and broken and crumpled looking. In the silver light of the moon coming through the windows, he looked so much like Joe that she wanted to cry.

But she didn't. She couldn't. Not anymore.

Time to be strong, to, once again, be Rachel Morgan.

Smoothing her pajama t-shirt as she stood, she said to Zach in her most businesslike manner,"You are here because you want to stay in the school, correct?"

"Yes."

"Well, you will have to be a student. You will complete your year here, become an official student next year. That would be the only way I would be able to convince the Board to let you stay."

This made him look uncomfortable, a reminder that he wasn't exactly welcome there, let alone anywhere else. She changed the subject.

"I'm going to change into my daytime clothes. I expect you to stay in my office, understand?"

She almost saw a glimmer of mischief in his eye as he said, sarcastically, "Yes ma'm."

"Smartass," she mumbled. He made her smile as she set down that explosive letter, going to her room adjacent to her room. She dressed with shaking fingers as she inserted shaking legs into her pants. Everything was shaking, she decided. She didn't like it.

After smoothing and pinning her cover back into place, slipping it on like a old coat, she went back to her office.

Zachary, of course, was gone.

That boy. He was trouble, but she could see why Cammie liked him.

With the sixth sense that only a mother has, she walked through the school, the letter in her pocket. She would read it a billion times later- for now, she needed to find Zach.

She found them where she expected to find them all- Danbey's tearoom, Zach in the middle of the protective circle of friends that seemed to follow Cammie better than any CIA bodyguard ever could. She leaned against the door frame, a slight smile on her face. She knew about their conversation without even having to hear any of the words they said.

"So when do we leave?"

They all looked shocked, like kids caught at the cookie jar. She turned to Zach.

"Didn't I tell you to stay in my office?"


End file.
